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Cracked.com have kindly pointed out that there are key lessons to be learned from 80’s cartoons. Their synopsis is, in my opinion, way off. Here’s my take on it.

CARTOON: The Smurfs
LESSON: Being blue is crap.
I didn’t watch it and can’t comment. Although my friend’s Dad used to work at a petrol station and did manage to get some free Smurf figurines. One of which was a Smurf on a skateboard. I was into skateboarding when I was a youth and this was deemed cool.
How it effects us as adults: If I meet someone who is blue and where’s a floppy white hat I’d probably be forced to laugh. After finishing laughing I think I’d be forced to wade through them all with a plank of wood and a steel bucket re-enacting a scene from Dead Rising.

CARTOON: GI Joe
LESSON: Branding rules toys
Being a resident of England I had no idea who or what GI Joe was. You see to us people in England the 12″ army dolls (yes they were dolls) were called Action Man. The 4″ figures were called Action Force. So GI Joe was a very United States thing. The characters were the same and there was even a British forces chap called Flint thrown in for good measure. Ofcourse Duke, who was in charge, was a Yank. I don’t really remember the cartoon but I did read the Battle Action Force comic. There was a cool ninja character called Storm Shadow. Anyway, sometime during the life of the toys the branding became globalised and Action Force became GI Joe, even in Blighty. Ofcourse I’d completely outgrown the toys by then. *ahem*.
How it effects us as adults: Branding rules the toy market. Why do you think the new Transformers film is going to be so different from the original series? So it can sell some brand new toys that are distinctly different and look nothing like the originals. Obviously a pair of twin Lamborghini Countach’s would be a bit out of place today. But twin Gallardo’s. Ooh joy.

CARTOON: Scooby Doo
LESSON: Never underestimate the power of voice
Fred was voiced by Frank Welker. Frank Welker also voiced Megatron (see Transformers). Fred is a total ladies man, Megatron kills Autobots. Fred always gets to investigate mysterious cupboards with Daphne, Megatron has to keep slapping Starscream about for trying to take over leadership of the Decepticons. Fred gets fit redheaded girls, Megatron has a large cannon.
How it effects us as adults: Having a cool voice is… well cool.

CARTOON: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
LESSON: There’s always a moral to the story.
He-Man was nails. I mean, this guy could throw Castle Greyskull. As I seem to remember he used to throw a lot of things… even great dinner parties. This was another cartoon with a fit readheaded girl in it, Teela. See a trend building here? At the end of each He-Man episode there was a moral to the story. The moral was generally not “Remember, throwing things it fun, but should be done in moderation and not in the presence of coppers,” or even “He he he, he he he, He-Man” as Skeletor never actually said but I was convinced he did.
How it effects us as adults: Punching the camera, as He-Man tended to do regularly, is not big and is not clever.

Picture withheld for being rubbish

CARTOON: Jem
LESSON: I didn’t watch cartoons for girls.
Well I didn’t.
How it effects us as adults: Not watching cartoons made for girls probably effected my ability to understand women in later life. Oh no, no, that’s not it. I don’t think anything makes that possible.

CARTOON: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
LESSON: Ninja is a bad word in the UK
We didn’t have Ninja Turtles in the UK. We had Hero Turtles. Only when Mary Whitehouse has exploded did the liberalisation of being a ninja and being called a ninja open up. Other than that we had another example of fit redheaded girl, April O’Neill, working with some teenage turtles and their rat master. He was a rat, literally and physically.
How it effects us as adults: 80’s cartoons tell us that redheaded girls are feisty, adventurous, good with weapons, can hold their own in battle, generally aren’t scared of ghosts, don’t say ‘jinkies’ like short rotund spectacle wearing brunette girls do, and hang around with men with muscles the size of Luxembourg.

CARTOON: The Transformers
LESSON: Giant transforming, battling robots shaped Generation X.
The best and most influential cartoon of the 80’s in my opinion. I loved it when Optimus Prime knelt on the burning oil platform and said to Sparkplug Witwicky “We’re Autobots”, points upwards “We’re from Cybertron”. I cried, yes I know.. shutupayaface, when Optimus Prime died in Transformers the Movie. It was special. Still it wasn’t quite the same moment as when Han Solo responded to Princess Leia’s cry of “I love you”, with “I know”. Then again, few things are.

How it effects us as adults: There were no redheaded girls in this cartoon. Perhaps it was the only thing missing. “Exxxxxcellent”, said Megatron (sounding distinctly Fred from Scooby Doo).